There it was… right smack in the middle of my shirt. The small chocolate spot was a tell all to my earlier indiscretion. My four year old was awarded a scoop of ice cream as a special treat. After serving him I continued to heat hot fudge and pour it over the remaining content of the half gallon container and devoured it within minutes.
Immediately the guilt crept in. Seeing the chocolate on my shirt made me cringe and brought on feelings of overwhelming shame. I am no stranger to the guilt. My mind wandered back to a time when I uncontrollably binged and purged. What’s comical is my complete desire or need to be in control appeared to me, even visited me in a form that was utterly compulsive and uncontrollable. I corrected my thinking and decided I would not allow myself to return to that place. Emotionally and mentally I had come a long way. I knew the trap door was there. It is there… waiting for me to slip up.
I am stronger now…
but continually reminding myself of what once was. My struggle with bulimia was my secret. I hid it like a very special baby doll, that I kept wrapped in the softest blanket, handled with the most delicate care, but hid in a place were no other child could find her. I did not want anyone touching my precious treasure. It was mine and mine alone. I did not realize I was sick. I did not realize that anorexia and bulimia were taking over my life.
The person I saw in the mirror was not the person you would see. I tried to hide her with smiles and cute trendy clothes. What I did not realize was my whole identity was based on the person I was trying to hide.
Glaring at me was person who was not real but was so incredibly real to me that she tortured me daily. She haunted me and reminded me of all I longed to be. Sometimes she peaks her ugly head up, she peers at me with piercing agonizing eyes beckoning me to join her again. I am more aware of her than I have ever been but she no longer controls me. I have found myself free from her grasp as I constantly remind myself of who I am.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I purged. I faced her, I fought her and even when I felt alone I discovered I was strong. I realized I was able to overcome any bondage, any stronghold, any captivity that tries to take hold of me. As my dear friend Christina would say, I am a beautiful warrior chick! The awesome thing is, today, no matter what thought creeps in, I believe it! And that is good enough for me.
If you are battling an eating disorder you may feel isolated. You need to know you are not alone. For information and support please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/.